If you want to have a happy and productive life, you need to learn to manage your emotions. The emotion that gets us into the most trouble is anger and it is critical that you manage this emotion or else you won’t be able to function very well around other people. Whether you become aggressive, scream and yell, or perhaps even violently lash out of other people, you need to realize that angry emotional outbursts like this can wreck a career, a marriage, or a good friendship.
As I’ve told you before, it is never a good idea to try and suppress an emotion. Certainly you do not want to try and block an angry emotion or impulse because this will only lead to greater trouble in the future. Anger is a natural emotional response to certain stimuli and it is as important as the feeling of joy or love. To suppress this emotion will make you feel powerless and this will instantly lower yourself self-esteem. If you keeps suppressing your anger, over time you will become so frustrated that you will eventually explode either by hurting others or by hurting yourself.
What you need to do is to be able to manage your anger by discovering the beliefs that are causing this anger in the first place. Remember though that it could quite well be the case that the anger that you are feeling is quite justified. Anger allows us to confront difficult situations so that we change that which we do not want in our lives at the moment. If you do feel anger, then allow this emotion to happen and discover why it is that you are having this angry feeling. Also you need to let this emotion help you when you know that you will be facing rather scary odds; anger can sometimes be your best friend.
If you have been suppressing your anger for a long time or if you know that your anger is completely out of control, then you must begin by immediately trying to discover what it is that is causing your angry outbursts. The best way to do this is to allow your emotions to take place as I have told you above, and through this release, discover why it is that you are getting so angry. If you think that you can not express your anger in public, then I suggest that you wait until you are somewhere by yourself and in this quiet and confidential atmosphere let your anger go. Scream, rage, punch whatever it is that you need to punch to express yourself fully and as you do ask yourself; “why am I feeling this way?” Allow yourself to feel this emotion totally and through this release you will naturally discover the beliefs that you have that are causing this emotion.
If you’re having trouble with this method then you can also try reviewing these typical beliefs that cause angry outbursts:
- No one must ever treat me poorly or disrespect me.
- The world must not be unjust or unfair, especially to me.
- I must get what I want when I want it and nothing should get in my way.
- No one should ever make me feel guilty, inadequate, embarrassed, or ashamed.
- No one and nothing must ever expose my weaknesses or my mistakes.
As you read the list above, see if any of them ring true in your heart. This will give you a clue as to what beliefs you are holding right now that are causing your anger management problems. Study this phrase that pertains to you and try to do a little backtracking. Keep asking yourself why you feel that the statement is true. Discover your own feelings and beliefs as these will always tend to have their own personal quirks; since you are an individual with your own personal characteristics and problems.
As you study these beliefs, and find out which one applies to you and in what reason in particular, decide whether this belief is an empowering one or a disempowering one. I am not here to tell you that something is right or wrong or that you should follow some moral code or another. This is for you to judge and to examine personally. Discover for yourself if the belief that you now hold, that is causing your anger management problems, is right or wrong for you now.
If it is wrong, or you feel that it is disempowering and you wish to change it, have a little talk with yourself. Have a debate with yourself, ask the part of you that believes this beyond a shadow of a doubt whether it might be wrong. Debate this belief with this part of yourself until you can make that part of you change its mind. Use logic and honesty to point out why it might not be a good thing to believe that the world is unjust and unfair for example. Use past experiences in your life to let that part of you know that indeed it is not always true that the world is an unjust place. Continue this debate for as long as you need to and have this debate as often as you think you need to have it, until you can get that part of you that believes this to realize that it is wrong.
There’s no need to hate that part of you or to try and defeat it. This part of you is most likely trying to help you and thinks that you need to have these angry outbursts because it is the only way that you can get something that you need. Show this part of you that there is a different way to go about it, that there is something else that it might want to believe instead because indeed the old belief was not correct.
When you can make this personal change you will find that your anger will no longer be an issue. This is not a fix that will last a lifetime, you are constantly changing and growing and it is quite likely that you might need to have a debate with yourself in the future about a different belief that you do not find empowering.