We are often told that dealing with people is a fine art. Often we are told that, “you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.” There is definitely a huge amount of information given on how to deal with people by complimenting them and appealing to their egos.
The thing is that if you look really deeply into this type of technique for dealing with people, you end up getting a bad taste in your mouth. Most people won’t admit to it, and they will play along the lines of how it is always a good thing to be nice to others. The thing is though that most of this complementing and ego boosting tends to be very shallow and untruthful. In your mind you get the picture of the person that is smiling at you but doesn’t really mean that smile. Personally I think of the hard-core salesman that would say anything to get you to feel good so that you would buy his product, or the retail person that must smile in order to get through the day but she hasn’t really felt like smiling for a very long time.
‘Political correctness’ also comes into play here where lately people seem to find it very easy to say what they believe they should say instead of being honest. What I AM trying to say is that this whole, “Win friends and influence…” type of game can be quite dubious at times. There is though a better way to deal with people using these techniques.
First of all you don’t need to give someone a complement if you don’t feel like giving someone a complement. Be honest with them and yourself, there are times when people are not meeting your expectations and you should not complement them for it. To think that if you complement them you will get better results can be a critical mistake, one that is as grave as blowing your top every time you don’t get what you want. The complement technique has a time and a place and when it is used at the right time and in the right place it can help you and the other person by creating a positive atmosphere through positive feedback. When used at the wrong time it makes a liar out of you and the person that you are dealing with.
Never underestimate the power of honesty. By being honest with yourself and with the other person about how you feel about them, perhaps you can begin to help everyone out and reverse this whole political correctness craze. Imagine what it would be like if people got actual truthful feedback about how they are treating you or how they are acting towards others. No one tells the truth anymore, we have all become politicians.
But how do you do this “ win friends and influence people” technique correctly? Perhaps we should begin by only complimenting those people that truly deserve it. Because it is indeed the case that those people that are good to us do need this positive feedback. It is quite often the case that these folks who treat others with respect or who provide good service are not given the kind of praise they truly need.
The praise that they truly need is truthful. This kind of praise has a certain emotional quality to it that cannot be faked and when it is given to another person it is a truly inspiring thing. It can be even a small word or two but this is enough usually to boost another person’s spirits and to give them hope about what they are doing and who they are as a person.
Praise given because it is supposed to give you an advantage over someone else so that you can get what you want is not true praise. This Kind of false praise is made up of empty words that do not have the same emotional tone; which is a truly important thing. You are lying telling someone how wonderful they are so that you get what you desire and the other person is lying to you by smiling and accepting this token to their ego like a tip for a service that they haven’t even provided yet . In the end you have two people who are participating in what has come to become known as “the politically correct society.” Deep down we know what the truth is.
The other day I had to get some x-rays done because of a certain accident that I had been in. This meant that I had to go get x-rays on two separate occasions. The lady who took my pictures was nice and quiet and did her job as efficiently as she could. On the first set of x-rays when my doctor looked at them he commented on the fact that they were very good pictures and that the person that had taken them had done a good job. When I went to see this lady again to get the further set of x-rays taken, I went through the same routine as before letting her do her job in her quiet efficient manner. In my mind I thought of the doctors praise and thought of telling her about it but then decided that I shouldn’t because I would be bothering her. I felt shy and did not want to tell her what I had heard, and then I remembered the fact that there are times when a person needs to hear that they’re doing well, that they are appreciated for what they do.
I straightened up and I told lady that the doctor had said that she had taken some great pictures and that thanks to her, his diagnosis was a lot easier. It was an honest compliment given to a person who did a good job and who probably didn’t hear that very often. This was made evident to me when she told me that it was too bad that the radiologist in charge never said such things but that she appreciated the doctors comments because she thought that he was indeed a good doctor himself.
After a little complaining like this, she started to light up and became very excited about the fact that she did a good job, on perhaps a small matter since I’m sure that she takes many x-rays a day. She made sure that I had the numbers that I needed so that I could call and find out about the results to my x-rays and while she was taking my new x-rays she did a darn good job taking extra time and extra care with each picture that she took. My complement allowed me to get better service and results.
But the truly important thing here is that my complement was an honest one and it was probably a complement that was needed because the lady probably had not heard her work praised very much in the past. My complement had an emotional honesty to it that I could not fake and it was this feeling of goodness towards that other person that made this complement so powerful. It was hardly a couple of phrases that I spoke but I’m certain that it helped her greatly and it helped me by making me feel good about what I had done; overcoming my shyness in order to let another person know that they are appreciated.
You can indeed get what you want if you go around complimenting and feeding another person’s ego. But it is far more important that you become more honest and give praise only when praise is due so that we all begin to become more honest with each other about how we feel. It is also a type of responsibility to be able to get over your shyness and praise those people that truly do a good job and are truly helping you in some way because even though you sometimes feel like it’s not important enough for you to speak up, the reality is that those people who are truly worthy of praise do need your good feelings; those loving feelings that come honestly from your heart. A praise like this can give someone meaning and it can allow them to overcome difficulties in their own lives through the strength of your positive emotional energy. Give a little love when others deserve love, such honest emotion can only bring goodness into your life and the life of others.
One of the biggest causes of stress, anxiety, and negative emotions of any kind is our inability to cope with our mistakes. Even though it is a well understood fact that we are all fallible, a fact that is easily understood logically, making even the smallest of mistakes can cause an instant upsurge in blood pressure. Some people are able to see and accept the mistakes that others make without much trouble but they tend to fly off the handle, emotionally speaking, whenever they themselves make a mistake.
While I could go on and tell you about the fact that we are all imperfect creatures, that we all make mistakes, and that these mistakes are a natural part of our daily process, I doubt that it will help too much when it comes to forgiving yourselves for the mistakes that you make. The reason for this is that even though people can logically understand that mistakes are a natural part of life, they can’t seem to be able to reconcile the mistakes of others and the mistakes that they themselves perform. That is when people understand the concept that mistakes are a natural thing, what they are really doing is accepting the fact that others will make mistakes and that these mistakes are natural. It is much more difficult though for them to accept the fact that they will make mistakes and that these mistakes are natural.
See there is the real crux of the matter; accepting the fact that YOU will be making a lot of mistakes often
Why is it so hard for us to accept this? The reason I believe is that whenever we try to understand something logically, we tend to go through the process like any academic process; we tends to put it on the blackboard as it were and look at it in a detached fashion. We put all the facets of this particular problem outside of ourselves, structure these facets, and then figure out how they fit together to create this particular problem. While this is a very good way to understand logically why it is that we all do make mistakes, this is not a very good way to realize EMOTIONALLY that what we are seeing on the board is going to happen to us as well.
What you must do therefore is to begin to realize and to accept as fact the inevitable conclusion that you will be making mistakes. In order to do this you must consciously take the realization that you logically came to and put yourself into that scenario that you had previously only conceptualized on that imaginary board in your mind. By doing this you will objectively understand that you are not a detached being merely observing a logical conclusion but an actual person who will be affected completely by the logical conclusions that you have made.
Basically what you need to do is to take the last step in your logical reasoning. This step involves the conscious realization that you are the one that will be making those mistakes. That you will be making mistakes often and that you need to forgive yourself for these mistakes because they are natural.
Let me repeat: you will make mistakes, many mistakes, and this is natural. It actually will help you to get better at everything that you want to do
I’m not asking you to make an emotional realization, because these emotional realizations can only happen through time and personal experience. What I’m saying is that you need to accept the final aspect of this logical conclusion that you are making and by doing so you will allow yourself to make mistakes without so much emotional trauma. When you can do that you will have taken a big step towards self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance is one of the most powerful things that you can do in order to relieve the stress and anxiety in your life. While many systems out there tend to really advocate a change in emotional stability, it is my personal opinion that in order to make deep and lasting change in your life you first need to make an objective realization and then through time develop the emotional stability that comes along with that realization. To just work on your emotional states will only have you bouncing back from one emotional state to another without ever fixing the problem at its root; which is usually a belief that you hold. These beliefs can best be tackled by using logical and objective thought so that you develop a natural inclination towards your desired goal. Essentially you are not fighting yourself you are expanding yourself and giving yourself direction consciously.
Incorporating self-acceptance can make a huge difference in your life. Realizing that mistakes are natural and that you personally will be making many mistakes as a natural result of your existence, can be one of the best things that you can do for yourself.
Accepting the fact that you will make mistakes, accepting yourself, can be very helpful. When you do this you are inspired to correct any behavior that you do not like or that you do not think was correct. If you make a mistake and you can’t handle that fact emotionally, then you will not try to correct these mistakes but you will try to ignore them instead, cover them up. By accepting the fact that you make mistakes and therefore accepting yourself as who you are, you will quite naturally take whatever steps are necessary to correct your behavior. Without personal recrimination you will logically or intuitively try to find a way to correct the mistake so that in the future you are able to function better. You will be a better problem solvers when you are not so emotionally distressed.
When you accept the fact that you do make mistakes, you are accepting reality. Since there are no perfect people, at least that I know of, then it is quite unlikely that you are the one true perfect being on Earth. If you look around, is there any person that you know or have heard of the has never made a mistake? Since the answer to this question is no, then why is it that you expect that you will never fail while others are allowed to do so?
Mistakes are there so that we know the right way to go. Through mistakes realize that what we have done was not correct and are therefore given an answer as to how to proceed next time. If we make a mistake that next time around then we are told again that this too was a mistake and we must therefore correct our course by going in a different direction. In other words;
mistakes are our friends!
Accept the fact that YOU are going to be making many mistakes throughout the rest of your life. Forgive yourself for these mistakes and accept yourself. Develop self-acceptance and through this one act, relieve yourself of much of the stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that can make your life a difficult thing to bear.
Any kind of self improvement involves change. Change can be a very difficult thing for the individual because it means a totally new perspective or lifestyle; anything new can be quite scary. If this change is difficult for the individual who is often times wholly dedicated to changing, imagine how difficult this change must be for the people around you.
One of the biggest setbacks whenever we are trying to make any kind of personal self improvement, is the disapproval that we can sometimes experience from the people around us. It is sometimes the case that this negative feedback from the people around you can be caused by jealousy. Sometimes when others see you doing well in your goals, it can be very unsettling for them which can cause them to lash out at you.
This is definitely not something that is often discussed in self-improvement articles and other materials. It can be difficult to admit that often times the most difficult thing in achieving your goals is overcoming the negative angst from others. Whenever you make a goal and begin a major re-modification of some aspect of your life, you must be prepared to deal with the negative energy from others.
Sometimes this negativity can take on the form of a lack of any kind of positive reinforcement. Usually the first thing that a person notices when they start to make a deep change their lives, is that those around you tend to get very silent. This silence stems from a desire to not provide approval as a result of the other person feeling threatened by your good effort. Sometimes it is even the case that actual negative remarks are made which can be very damaging when you are expecting moral support and positive energy from those that you consider allies. Indeed it has been noted for example that one of the greatest hindrances to sobriety can be the family members or friends of the person who is trying to make a positive change away from a life of dependency*.
It must be realized though that this jealousy is very seldom evil intent. Generally what is going on here is that people are being forced into a change of routine and this change can cause huge amounts of anxiety for them. We are all bound by our routines and we hate anything or anyone that breaks these routines that we hold so dear. Routines create comfort because they allow us to participate in a cycle of activity that can be easily controlled. This control stems from the fact that we know exactly what we are doing now and what will happen in the future. This kind of comfort is most satisfying and is indeed a pleasurable thing, but when a person creates a change in their life there is a ripple effect that can affect all the people around them.
When you create a goal for yourself and are very successful in the changes that you wish to make, you end up affecting those people around you by breaking certain routines that they’ve held dear, that provide great comfort for them.
If for example you have a friend that you always went out for a smoke with and all of a sudden you are no longer there because you have decided to give up smoking, you create a routine break for that friend and this causes anxiety for him or her.
If you set a goal to become more financially successful at something and begin to see positive gains, then all your friends and family will see this as a change and therefore a break in their personal routine. If you could do it then why can’t they? Shouldn’t they be trying as hard as you? They used to believe that life was so and so and all of a sudden you brought a big change in their lives; one which usually instigates a forced introspection in themselves.
If you begin to practice a change in how you think about things, for example trying to practice the law of attraction in your everyday life, and you begin to have a more positive attitude, people can see this as a negative in their own lives. Again this is not evil intent, it is just that you broke another person’s routine; life was so and so and then all the sudden you came along and changed it. While you might find it quite negative that others are trying to destroy your positive outlook, you must try to see it as just that other person’s only way to cope with the change in routine that they now face.
This website is dedicated to giving you ideas and methods to improve many situations in your life. I hope that you use some of these methods and that they work for you, but I must let you know that these methods can cause some grief. This grief comes from the negativity that you might experience from the people around you. This negativity is not caused because these people have evil intent towards you but it is caused because as a successful person, as a person that has successfully implemented a self improving change, you are also the cause for change towards all those that are a part of your life. As you change, you change the way others perceive you and therefore perceive themselves and the world around them. You possibly change the way others relate to you and therefore create a routine break that can be quite discomforting.
When you begin any kind of self-improvement goal, be prepared to handle this negativity at first. It is just a change in routine which others will have to deal with. As one routine dies, another begins and once you overcome this initial negativity from others you will begin to see that this new routine that you are creating will create its own momentum and help you maintain the change that you fought so hard to make. By understanding that the negativity from others is just another little hurdle in your self-improvement, you will be prepared for this and hopefully will have the strength to overcome it.
The most interesting aspect of all this is that once a new routine begins, as the people around you begin to perceive you in a new way, this new routine will be an ally that will help you maintain the change that you have made. If you start falling back on your old ways, it will be those people around you that will help you maintain your new change by pointing out any discrepancy in the new routine that they have become accustomed to.
In this ‘new age’ we are told over and over again that maintaining positive thoughts is the best thing that we can do for ourselves. Now whether you believe in this whole New Age movement, this whole law of attraction bit, I hope that you do realize that a positive state of mind is a good thing no matter how you think about it.
You do not need to believe that thoughts create reality in order to realize that a positive state of mind will create a positive effect. If for example you are about to partake in any activity, if you engage in this activity with a positive state of mind, one that makes you feel confident and energetic, you will definitely realize better results. In other words you don’t need to maintain a positive state of mind just so that you can attract those things that you want metaphysically, a positive state of mind will also help you in the objective sense.
But how do you attain this positive state of mind? There seem to be an infinite number of exercises and ideas about how to do this. Most of them seem to be quite complicated if you really think about it; its usually this step by step formula where you are supposed to feel this, imagine that and make it all brighter or smaller or something. Sometimes these methodologies seem like a cooking recipe.
Well if I have not bored you completely and I have not scared you off with my proposition of another method for attaining a positive state of mind, then please let me give you an exercise that is incredibly simple and only requires one thing; the power of your focus and attention.
You see fundamentally all of these exercises really rely on this one principle; the principal of focus. If you’re able to maintain your attention focused on one positive thing no matter what, you will be able to maintain a positive attitude in just about any situation.
When I say focus, I do not mean stress or strain. If you stress or strain yourself you might actually hurt your body and perhaps even give yourself an ulcer. There’s a big difference between concentrated focus and physical effort. The body gets tired and too much tension can be quite detrimental to it, but the mind never tires and it is always going even when you are sleeping. The trick then is to use your mind to focus your attention and not your body.
An easy way to know if you’re doing this correctly, is to see if you are tense. If you are tense when you are trying to focus your attention on something then you are doing it wrong. Try to relax your body first and then focus your attention. Over time you will be able to focus your attention without the need to tense up your body as well, it is most important that you learn to do this properly.
Okay so now finally to my little exercise to help you stay positive in any situation. Well it’s as simple as this: focus on a word.
Let’s say for example that its gloomy day outside and you just want to get a little happier. Then all you need to do is just to focus on the word HAPPY. Just try and hold that word in your mind for as long as you can and you will notice instantly that the longer that you can focus on this one word, the happier that you will get. It will instantly begin to correlate with happy memories that you might have had in the past and with happy thoughts or goals that you might have about the future.
And that’s it, that’s the entire thing.
But the trick comes when you want to try and maintain your focus on that one word. If the power of your attention, if the strength of your focus, is not that good then your ability to maintain your attention on this one word will be quite difficult. Most people have difficulty maintaining their attention focused on a single item for a few seconds. If this is the case for you, then what you need to do is just keep practicing.
Practice is a simple thing, all you need to do is to bring your mind back to the one word that you want to focus on. For example as you try and focus your mind on the one word HAPPY, you might start thinking about what you’re going to cook later or about some responsibility that you have to take care of. What you need to do is to catch yourself mentally wandering off and refocus your mind on the word. Don’t get frustrated and just keep refocusing your mind on that one word.
It is possible to attain an incredibly powerful focus. But this takes time and I suggest that you do not get discouraged at first. Just try to increase the amount of time that you can focus on the one word that you have chosen. See if for 15 to 20 minutes you can focus more on the word that you have chosen and less on all the other stuff that keeps popping into your mind. Continue like this and see if there ever comes a point when you can actually think about that word for the entire 20 minutes!
If you feel confident, increase the length of time that you spend thinking about this one word.
With this incredibly simple exercise, you will be able to focus your mind to a great degree. If you’re able to maintain your focus on the one word that you have chosen long enough, then maintaining a positive state of mind will become quite easy for you. You will certainly have to work on the power of your focus and attention but having this strong power of focus and attention will benefit every aspect of your life. Think of it like exercising, a pleasurable exercise, that will give you so much that is worth every single bit of sweat that you lose doing it.
There are many things written about fixing your life. This entire site is devoted to self improvement and there are many methods that I outline that can greatly help you in all aspects of our shared reality.
While all of this material does aid in helping you deal with the difficulties that you might experience in life, there is one main aspect that is always overlooked. It is overlooked because it can be a very hard pill to swallow for most and the reality is that most people just aren’t willing to follow this methodology.
Why is it that most people will not follow this one methodology that would allow them to improve so many aspects of their life? It is because the entire world devotes most of its time to telling you that life is a certain way and to think otherwise is self delusion and egomania.
This most wonderful self-improvement tactic is very simple:
love yourself!
It is that simple but it is almost impossible to do for most. We are told over and over again that to love ourselves and to think of ourselves is selfish and self-centered. No matter what religion or theology that you care to study, you will almost always be told the same thing; that you are not the center of the universe and that you are here to fix something about yourself or worship something beyond yourself. In our Western society, we believe that we were born sinners and to think of ourselves, let alone love ourselves above all other things; well that is just out right sin.
Even if you are a highly logical person and an atheist, you will definitely not want to love yourself. Since science believes that we are just biological units existing in a mechanical universe, the idea that we are in some way important and worthy of love seems almost idiotic. And if you were to love yourself, what good would it do? Emotions and positive thoughts after all seem to have such little consequence in this reality.
But take a chance and do something completely rebellious, I use the word rebellious because of its connotations; love yourself. Practiced just loving yourself, accepting yourself or who you are now and no matter what you do for an entire month, just love yourself above all other things in the world. Contemplate how wonderful you are and how great it is to be here in this world and how lucky this world is to have you in it.
This does not mean that you have to love your family or your children any less. You will be surprised at the fact that by loving yourself more you will be able to love them more as well. Realize how lucky they are to have you in their lives, how you make their lives so much better in so many ways.
I dare you to sit around for 20 minutes and just love yourself completely. Send as much love as you can to ‘yourself’, and adore who you are right now. If you are able to do this then the next day I want you to do the same thing but this time while you are looking in the mirror. Will you be able to do this? Will you have the ability to just love yourself without judgment or recrimination?
Most people can’t do it. They can’t do it because they believe that they are unworthy of things. When they look at themselves or think of themselves they only see all the blunders that they made or how much it is that they need to improve. Try to fight this urge by just loving yourself and forgetting about all those little voices that tell you that you should not or could not love the one thing in your life that is the most important thing on Earth.
How terrible that must sound to some. To tell yourself that you are the most important thing on earth. Why do you believe that this is not so? Study this belief by asking yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling now. Ask yourself over and over again ‘why’, until you get down to the root of these feelings. The root of these feelings will be the belief or beliefs that you hold that make you think that you are not worthy of self-love.
When you discover what these beliefs are, change them because you deserve better. I have shown you in other articles how to change beliefs, use these techniques to change that negative belief right now. The most important beliefs that you hold are the beliefs about yourself and how worthy you are.
I dare you to love yourself. And if you take my dare you will find an incredible thing; that by just loving yourself and accepting who you are totally, you will overcome many of the problems that you think you now have.
Through love of self you will be able to find a better job, one that doesn’t make you suffer but that makes you feel good about what you’re doing.
Loving yourself will allow you to have the strength to be with those that love you as you should be loved and to stay away from those that would abuse you or use you in any way.
Loving yourself will create a positive attitude in your life that will naturally begin to change your ideas about what you deserve and these will naturally create a better future for you.
Loving yourself will allow you to feel good again.
There are few things that can be more debilitating than the fear of rejection. This fear usually stems from a deep desire to be loved and liked by everyone that we meet, which is an impossibility. You need to develop a thicker skin or to figure out some way to be able to reframe what rejection means, or else you will be stuck without the possibility of ever going beyond the first obstacle of life; which is fear. In order to be a successful person, you need to be able to overcome this fear. This fear is a terrible thing because it will stop you from taking action.
If you cannot act, if you can’t put yourself or your work on the line, then there is no possibility of you becoming a success. Begin by realizing that in order to succeed you must fail, because it is through these failures that you will understand what you are doing wrong. You can either see this failure as a type of doom that spells your future disaster or you can see this failure as a growing experience that will show you a better path.
This is the logical conclusion and one that can be easy to say but very hard to do. The reason for this is that this fear has very little to do with your work or who you fundamentally are as a person. This fear is completely related to your ego and its inability to feel pain. The worst pain that the ego can feel it is an attack upon itself. Since it is nearly impossible to get rid of this ego, the best way to deal with it is to either come to a logical conclusion that it can accept or to reframe the meaning of the pain that it is experiencing.
In order to begin to overcome the fear of rejection then, you must realize that is an inevitable part of life. There is no possible way that everyone will like you or that everyone will like or love what you do. Since you can’t please everyone, then you must prepare yourself for the eventuality that someone is not going to like what they see.
Fear of rejection can stop us cold and can make us stop trying. If you stop trying, you will stop making progress and without progress there is no growth. It is the case though that rejection must not be taken lightly, it must be understood as an obstacle to overcome. This obstacle means that someone did not agree with something that you did or perhaps they do not like you because of whom they perceive you to be.
In either case you must take this obstacle seriously. By not trying to ignore it or white wash it with some flowery positive words, you have a far better chance of overcoming rejections like these in the future. Taking responsibility for this obstacle allows you to look at it in closer detail and without the crippling emotional responses that we usually feel when we are rejected.
If you take responsibility for this rejection, you can begin to take a closer look at what the mistake was. Objectively study the reasons for your rejection and see if it is caused by something that you did. If it is, then try to come up with a logical approach that will allow you to not be rejected like this in the future. If you are rejected because of something that you are and cannot fundamentally or do not want to fundamentally change, then accept the fact that this rejection is something beyond your control. Taking responsibility for the fact the you have been rejected and objectively studying the reasons for this rejection will allow you to detach yourself emotionally. Through this detachment you can see whether this rejection is just, whether this rejection is teaching you something, or whether this rejection is a prejudice.
Another good way to be able to handle rejection is to reframe what these rejections mean. When you can’t find that objectivity because you are deeply hurt, it is sometimes easier to look at things in a different way for a while until you regain enough composure to find a more detached and objective view. Examples of good reframes are the following:
Next time that you fear that you might be rejected, tell yourself that when your ideas are rejected you get the benefit of more information about what is and isn’t going to work. This allows you to get closer and closer to a successful outcome.
Tell yourself that nothing that people do to you is personal. People have their own reasons and their own anxieties for whatever it is that they do or say. There is no reason for you to feel badly about what they say because any hurtful rejection from another person usually means that that person has many negative beliefs and anxieties that ‘they’ have to deal with.
A reframe like the ones mentioned above, can help you greatly in achieving a state of detachment. Through detachment it is much easier to examine any rejection that you might face and to grow from these whenever possible. There is no reason to fear rejection if you realize that rejection of any kind is always a lesson. It is your decision whether you wish to grow from this lesson or whether you wish to take it personally. Remember though that sometimes the lesson is simply the fact that you need to be able to understand that others will judge you through their own particular beliefs and ideas, which can be wrong. When this is the case, the lesson means that you need to understand that people aren’t perfect, just like you.
If you want to have a happy and productive life, you need to learn to manage your emotions. The emotion that gets us into the most trouble is anger and it is critical that you manage this emotion or else you won’t be able to function very well around other people. Whether you become aggressive, scream and yell, or perhaps even violently lash out of other people, you need to realize that angry emotional outbursts like this can wreck a career, a marriage, or a good friendship.
As I’ve told you before, it is never a good idea to try and suppress an emotion. Certainly you do not want to try and block an angry emotion or impulse because this will only lead to greater trouble in the future. Anger is a natural emotional response to certain stimuli and it is as important as the feeling of joy or love. To suppress this emotion will make you feel powerless and this will instantly lower yourself self-esteem. If you keeps suppressing your anger, over time you will become so frustrated that you will eventually explode either by hurting others or by hurting yourself.
What you need to do is to be able to manage your anger by discovering the beliefs that are causing this anger in the first place. Remember though that it could quite well be the case that the anger that you are feeling is quite justified. Anger allows us to confront difficult situations so that we change that which we do not want in our lives at the moment. If you do feel anger, then allow this emotion to happen and discover why it is that you are having this angry feeling. Also you need to let this emotion help you when you know that you will be facing rather scary odds; anger can sometimes be your best friend.
If you have been suppressing your anger for a long time or if you know that your anger is completely out of control, then you must begin by immediately trying to discover what it is that is causing your angry outbursts. The best way to do this is to allow your emotions to take place as I have told you above, and through this release, discover why it is that you are getting so angry. If you think that you can not express your anger in public, then I suggest that you wait until you are somewhere by yourself and in this quiet and confidential atmosphere let your anger go. Scream, rage, punch whatever it is that you need to punch to express yourself fully and as you do ask yourself; “why am I feeling this way?” Allow yourself to feel this emotion totally and through this release you will naturally discover the beliefs that you have that are causing this emotion.
If you’re having trouble with this method then you can also try reviewing these typical beliefs that cause angry outbursts:
No one must ever treat me poorly or disrespect me.
The world must not be unjust or unfair, especially to me.
I must get what I want when I want it and nothing should get in my way.
No one should ever make me feel guilty, inadequate, embarrassed, or ashamed.
No one and nothing must ever expose my weaknesses or my mistakes.
As you read the list above, see if any of them ring true in your heart. This will give you a clue as to what beliefs you are holding right now that are causing your anger management problems. Study this phrase that pertains to you and try to do a little backtracking. Keep asking yourself why you feel that the statement is true. Discover your own feelings and beliefs as these will always tend to have their own personal quirks; since you are an individual with your own personal characteristics and problems.
As you study these beliefs, and find out which one applies to you and in what reason in particular, decide whether this belief is an empowering one or a disempowering one. I am not here to tell you that something is right or wrong or that you should follow some moral code or another. This is for you to judge and to examine personally. Discover for yourself if the belief that you now hold, that is causing your anger management problems, is right or wrong for you now.
If it is wrong, or you feel that it is disempowering and you wish to change it, have a little talk with yourself. Have a debate with yourself, ask the part of you that believes this beyond a shadow of a doubt whether it might be wrong. Debate this belief with this part of yourself until you can make that part of you change its mind. Use logic and honesty to point out why it might not be a good thing to believe that the world is unjust and unfair for example. Use past experiences in your life to let that part of you know that indeed it is not always true that the world is an unjust place. Continue this debate for as long as you need to and have this debate as often as you think you need to have it, until you can get that part of you that believes this to realize that it is wrong.
There’s no need to hate that part of you or to try and defeat it. This part of you is most likely trying to help you and thinks that you need to have these angry outbursts because it is the only way that you can get something that you need. Show this part of you that there is a different way to go about it, that there is something else that it might want to believe instead because indeed the old belief was not correct.
When you can make this personal change you will find that your anger will no longer be an issue. This is not a fix that will last a lifetime, you are constantly changing and growing and it is quite likely that you might need to have a debate with yourself in the future about a different belief that you do not find empowering.
As I have told you before in other articles, your beliefs are the most important things that shape your reality. This reality of course extends to money; how much you have, how well you live, and what you are currently doing to get it.
If you do find yourself in a difficult financial situation therefore, it’s most important that you examine your beliefs about money and wealth in general. You can develop new beliefs that will help you accumulate money. For example the belief that you can make money doing something that you love, will motivate you to get more creative and open you up to new ideas about making money doing something that you love to do. You can also for example, believe that money is a good thing and it is here to be enjoyed and as a result you will most likely live a life where money easily manifests in your reality and always seems to be there when you need to participate in something fun.
It is also the case that you could believe that you are poor, if this is so then your subconscious will go about creating any circumstance needed in order to prove your belief correct. You might think that you have plenty of empirical proof right now that you are poor because of your current condition, but if you could go back and look at your life history in perfect detail, you would realize that it was your beliefs in the fact that you are poor first that created the external circumstances of your lack of abundance. If you believe that wealth and money are bad, you will keep yourself from using any ability that you might have to create money. If you believe that for some reason that it is better not to have money, then you will suppress any talent that you might have or any opportunity that might present itself for creating wealth in your life. You fundamentally get what you believe in.
Before you can attract/manifest anything into your life, you need to change your beliefs about this certain thing. You may need to change your perception about yourself and this can only be done by changing your beliefs. You must even look into and change your beliefs about deserving what you desire.
It could be the case for example that you might want to have a beautiful brand-new car. You might work really hard at getting the car without much success. It might also be the case that you get an extra job to pay for this car and eventually through perhaps years of hard work, you are able to have the money to afford to buy this new vehicle. Upon attainment of this new car you will realize that having it greatly changes your perceptions about yourself. You might discover that you have far more self-worth because of the fact that you are now driving a beautiful and luxurious new vehicle. The extra attention that others give you boosts your self-confidence and this makes you feel much better. It is possible that you might conclude that it was only due to this vehicle that you were able to gain this increased self-worth.
It is always the case though that a change in belief creates a new circumstance and therefore a new perception of the reality about you. In this situation it is more often the case that being able to get this new car was only possible after you changed certain personal beliefs. The reason why you were finally able to get the car you desired was due to the fact that after a long period of effort you were able to work on your beliefs about self-worth. You were able to change these personal beliefs enough that your beliefs about self-worth changed and you finally found it possible to believe that you were worthy of the new car. In physical terms this time might seem to have all been spent working extra hard at some second job but underneath all this there was a lot of work being done on self-worth and only once this change in self-worth was strong enough, were you able to actually get this luxurious new vehicle. If you would have spent more time working on your beliefs on self-worth and less time on physical sacrifice, you would most definitely have gotten your desire sooner and with far less personal punishment.
Look at your current situation right now when it comes to wealth and money and ask yourself; “what beliefs did I need to have in order to create my current situation?”. Make a big list of all of these possibilities and as you do so you will discover that some of them ring true within you. Through your feelings you will discover the beliefs that helped to create your current financial situation.
Think about something that you desire in your life right now. What new beliefs about yourself and the world do you need to have in order to manifest this desire in your life right now? If certain beliefs on this list feel correct to you, then you can start changing your old beliefs to the new more positive ones. Write down the belief that feels best to you and stick it somewhere where you can see it frequently everyday. Every time that you see this statement of your new belief, you will be focusing your attention on it and sending it positive energy naturally. Over time this new belief will create new impulses and desires, follow these and in this way begin to manifest what you really want in life.
In the last article, we had discussed how ingestion alone will not allow you to acquire all the energy that you need in order to stay healthy. We are conditioned to think that all of the energy intake that we need has to come through some kind of food or drink and as a result we tend to believe that this is the only way that we will get the energy that we need to stay healthy and strong. The reality of the situation though is that there are different ways to acquire this energy and even though you should not stop eating, you should use these other methods so that you have the extra energy that you need to give your best every day.
Extra energy absorption will not only give you greater strength to be able to tackle those things that you must confront every day, it will also keep you healthy and give you the energy to fight off infections and diseases that can take their toll on all of us. This becomes more and more important as the human population increases.
It is the case though that you should maintain a good diet, now this does not mean that you should become some kind of health nut, only eating those things that you think you should eat. What you should do instead is listen to your body and listen to your own rhythms and in this way discover those things that give you the most energy and make you feel good. Listening to your body when it tells you that it feels good goes a long way to understanding what it is that your body craves and why. There is no need to give up meat or to start eating meat if you are a vegetarian; what is most important is that you listen to your own body needs, cravings, and desires and in this way find your optimal diet.
You should also make sure that you exercise on a regular basis. Again you should not become some kind of health nut because this is actually detrimental to many. Try to do something light every day, like a pleasant stroll to get the blood moving through your system. This general movement, allowing the blood to flow and the heart to beat just a little faster, is enough to keep you healthy and energetic. Again this does not mean that you should give up heavy exercise if that’s what your body craves and what you think you like and need. You must remember to follow your cravings and listen to what your body needs.
Beyond this here is an exercise that is called ‘the child of the Sun’, it is another exercise that was developed to allow you to absorb energy through non-digestive means. You can do this exercise every morning or in the middle of the day whenever you have time. I do not recommend that you do it at night because the energy absorption might interfere with your sleep.
Sit with your back straight on a comfortable chair; it is preferable that you sit with this exercise since lying down or standing up can interfere with your visualization. This is an exercise where you powers of visualization are very important and they are directly related to how well you can absorb energy using this technique.
Close your eyes and visualize the Sun, a great big flaming ball of fire and energy before you.
Imagine that your body is lifting up and imagine yourself going into the Sun. Try to get into the middle of this flaming ball of fire.
You don’t have to worry about anything because you are a child of the Sun and this is where you belong. Let the tremendous energy of this huge Sun flow through your entire being invigorating and strengthening every cell of your body.
After about a minute return to your body, you can open your eyes and go about your business. If you think you need extra energy, try to stay in the ball of the sun a little longer but there’s no need to do this exercise for more than a couple of minutes.
If you are really good at visualizing, you will notice great benefit right away from this exercise. It is also the case that you will notice more energy as you go about your day, try to keep an eye out and notice that you will most likely be performing tasks without feeling so lethargic and weak, as might have been the case before.
This is also a wonderful exercise if you suffer from seasonal affective disorder. This visualization will greatly help with your mood and will give you the extra pep that you need in order to get by those gloomy days of winter.
Sometimes we seek an answer to a question but we are never able to find the answer that we need. It is possible that the answer was correct but because words can be so subjective, sometimes these words are not enough to give us the answers that we are looking for.
I saw this video of a man posing a question to Abraham Hicks a little while back. I found this man to be incredibly articulate and his question to be one of the most powerful and interesting questions that was ever asked of Abraham. I also liked his question because I believe that there are many people, more and more every day, that are finding themselves in his shoes. He is a highly sensitive man that has had to deal with the onslaught of human thought and intention. Because of his sensitivity, he feels directly the ugliness and the bad intention that many of the people around him exude.
He asks Abraham about this and is trying to find a method or reason that will allow him to cope with the negativity that he sees and feels. Here is a link to that video and I would hope that you have the time to watch it and to listen to this question and to Abraham’s answers before you continue with the rest of this article:
Unfortunately I do not believe that Abraham provided an answer that was adequate to this man’s question. I believe that he truly expresses his need when he tells Abraham that there has to be more to it than just the pleasantries that Abraham seems to present as part of his philosophy. This is why I’m writing this article and presenting it here. I don’t expect that this man will ever read this article but perhaps others that have similar questions will, and hopefully will find the answers that they need as a result. I do this because indeed there are better answers to those questions that this man asked and I believe that we are all capable now of understanding them. That we have grown and now we are intellectually capable of understanding a greater truth without having to satisfy ourselves with simple answers that usually involve a black and white contrast.
The problem that I have always had with Abraham’s message, is that as a species we will never be able to understand the greater truths of our existence until we are able to get away from a simplistic and dualistic nature. Things are far more complicated and even though we are not capable now of understanding all of these great complications, there is still the possibility of understanding far more than we already do.
This person begins his questioning by talking about how a character in a novel destroys a fine piece of porcelain for seemingly no reason at all, aside from perhaps a natural human need to destroy the beauty in life. In order to truly understand the answers that he seeks, he must begin to realize that there is no such thing as destruction. We live in what we consider to be a dualistic world; we believe that things are either black or white, good or bad, joyful or sad, creative or destructive. The reality though is that nothing is ever destroyed and there are no absolutes because there is no end to this reality. It is very difficult to understand this on the material level and this understanding will always escape you if you focus all your attention there.
Nothing is ever destroyed, and destruction is just another form of creation. The problem here comes because we have a very limited focus of time, we believe time to be a linear and sequential event. Our senses tell us this every day and our limited sensual awareness finds it generally impossible to see the world in any other way. Time is not linear however, time exists all at once simultaneously and there is so much information that it is impossible for our senses actually experience it all. Our sense therefore help us by filtering out most data, creating a sequential time sequence, so that we literally don’t go mad through the sheer volume of information that could be available to us.
Our egos believe that once this beautiful porcelain figure is destroyed, that it is gone forever. Just like we believe that once we die we to are gone forever. In an infinite universe where time and space are one and all things happen simultaneously, this porcelain figure exists forever and is only but one shade or aspect of the infinity of all the possible consequences that this porcelain figure can be. Mathematically there is no possibility of infinite space time without the possibility of multiple dimensions. Now without getting too far into any kind of mathematical explanation of what I’m trying to say, you must begin to realize that our scientists have proven long ago that space and time exist in an infinite present and that there are most likely many dimensions outside of our own. This is something that Mystics have known and proven to their satisfaction long ago.
In this infinite space-time, destruction is not possible and it is the answer to an old question; “if God is all-powerful, what happens if he makes a rock so heavy that he cannot lift it? If he makes a rock this heavy and proves his power, will he not disprove his power if he can’t lift this rock afterwards?”
One could say that God is all-powerful and did the one thing that many did not expect when they asked this question; he created a universe where this rock could not be lifted and experienced that event fully with all its ramifications. He also created the universe where he could lift this rock and experienced that with all its ramifications. Within these two polarities there are infinite variations that are born from the possibility and the non-possibility of God creating this rock, not lifting, or lifting this rock. That porcelain figure is still alive and there is a world out there were it is real and has gone on to fulfill many other aspects of its mutual reality with the things around it. There are also probabilities were that figure never existed at all. All variances exist and they exist simultaneously and in this infinite universe, destruction is not possible; it is only variance in an infinitely creative multi-dynamic verse.
It’s difficult to understand I know, but I believe that we are all intellectually capable of understanding these things now and that we don’t need to have childish answers to very difficult questions. I don’t believe that, just like this man, we will any longer be satisfied with answers that do not fundamentally answer our greater questions in a grown up fashion.
Unlike what Abraham says, I do believe that belief is incredibly important. Beliefs are incredibly important to me because I know that it is beliefs that create thoughts and it is those thoughts that create emotion. If you try to change your thoughts or your emotions without first understanding and changing your beliefs, you will never be able to create the reality that you want. More important, in my opinion, is the fact that if you try to change those thoughts and emotions without tackling and understanding your beliefs, you will damage your body. Many try to think positive thoughts while they are flooded by negative ones, they are fighting an uphill battle against thoughts and emotions instead of directly working with their beliefs. In this scenario, a hernia would be a mild complication to what can happen.
My second point of contention with Abraham and perhaps the one that saddens me the most is the fact that his philosophy seems to despise any kind of negativity. Now despise might be a strong word, perhaps it would be a better idea to say he ignores any kind of negativity. By Abraham’s own words, he will never focus on something that takes them out of their vortex and those things that take them out of their vortex are supposedly negative thoughts and emotions. To think that some emotions are good, and others are bad, is a great recipe for emotional frustration. One could easily say that half of our personal experience is completely inaccessible to us because these thoughts and emotions are supposedly something that will not allow us to have our material reward. Essentially we are told that negative emotions create bad things and it is only through maintaining positive emotions that we will get good things. Unfortunately this is very similar to the belief that if you do good you shall go to heaven and if you do bad you will go to hell; hell on earth this time I suppose.
My advice to our friend would be to experience those negative emotions even more than he seems to be at the moment that he is asking his questions. Indeed the reason why I believe he is not finding true answers to his questions is because he is denying his supposedly negative emotions. The worst thing that you could ever do is to suppress parts of yourself because you think they are evil or will cause evil. In order to understand the world around you, you must understand yourself; because you are creating it. In order to understand yourself you must begin to trust yourself and your nature, and not think that parts of you are somehow evil or destructive.
You will begin to find the answers to those most difficult questions when you allow yourself to express those thoughts and emotions that are within you, all your thoughts and emotions! There is no such thing as a negative thought, and you will not be hurled into some kind of earthly hell because you experience a negative emotion freely. By experiencing those supposedly negative emotions, by experiencing them completely and contemplating them, you will understand the beliefs that are causing these emotions and thoughts. If you deny your emotions and suppress them, there will be a time when these emotions will explode. Those massive outbursts of evil that our friend is so saddened about are not caused by people that explore their emotions but they are caused by people that deny these emotions and finally explode in frustrated action because of their beliefs that they are powerless.
If our friend were to experience his emotions truly, and ask himself the simple question of ‘why’ he is feeling what he is feeling, he would begin to discover the beliefs that cause him to have these emotions. There is no need to scream at others or to rant and rave or cry in front of anyone. But you can take any time that you have to yourself and beat a pillow or roar in anger and truly experience the joy that is your ability to feel and to be truly alive. Through this release you will find great comfort and through this ‘emotional action’ you will be in a position to discover those beliefs that cause your current misery.
Our friend is in a particular situation. He finds himself in this situation because of the fact that he is a sensitive. What many of these gurus forget to talk about when they speak of creating your own reality or the law of attraction, is the fact that you must not only work on your thoughts and emotions but that you must also work on all the thoughts and emotions of the people around you as well. Depending on the kind of sensitivity that you have, it is quite likely that you pick up much of the emotion and thoughts of the people around you. Indeed subconsciously you pick up on all of it, and depending on your beliefs you become aware or affected by some or perhaps even all of it. Our friend is a sensitive and most likely picks up consciously most of this intent that he feels around.
Like he says, it can be a curse to be a sensitive. Try driving in heavy traffic when you’re a sensitive, I can tell you personally that is a very taxing affair. If it is difficult for the average person, imagine what it must be like for a person that can feel the malevolent intent of every single person around him. If you follow your own thoughts and feelings the next time you’re on the road, you might notice that there are many thoughts of aggression and hatred within you. We are all programmed to fight for space and hierarchy and as a result will do just about anything to get ahead of the competition. These aggressive impulses can sometimes be quite destructive in their nature and can be very very negative to a person who must feel their onslaught.
In an earlier article I have shown you how you can begin to master these negative intentions. I basically give you ideas about how to discover your beliefs and how to understand your personal thoughts and feelings. By understanding who you are, you begin to separate your thoughts and intentions from the thoughts and intentions of others. In this way you can begin to tune them out when you want to or perhaps begin to conceptualize a greater understanding of human interaction, understanding that what we consider negative emotions and thoughts are not necessarily wrong but that they are a human way to cope and create in this world.
Now finally in my opinion no answers were forthcoming here at all. There is the essential requirements of ‘try to focus on that which you want instead of what you don’t want’ and then there was a break. So what is our friend supposed to do? What should he begin to do in order to answer his questions and to get the kind of life that he wants?
He needs to first and foremost begin by express his emotions. He seems to be doing a good job of this and his emotions seem to have given him the impulse to take action and question Abraham on these very important topics. He must continue in this personal exploration and truly expresses emotions instead of trying to intellectually deconstruct them. Through true expression, if you’re having trouble think of a child and how they express their emotions, he will begin to truly understand why it is that he is having them.
In my opinion, if he is so interested, I would ask him to begin to question himself. Discover for himself and by himself what it is that he truly wants in his life, discover the answers that he quests after and the kind of life that he would love to have. Once he is able to do this, I would suggest that he begin to question his beliefs. He can simply do this by asking himself why he is feeling the way he is feeling. He can do this by asking himself ‘why’ he’s thinking the thoughts that he’s thinking. Through this progressive inner questioning, he will finally get down to beliefs. He will discover for himself that it is a belief that causes him to focus on one thing or another and therefore experience one thing or another. Perhaps at first he will not be satisfied and believe that beliefs can never be so powerful. But I would suggest that he change at least one belief that he finds negative or would like to change in one way or another. Again you could look at one of my other articles where I have mentioned ways to change a belief.
As he changes this belief, and continues with his internal quest, he might discover that changing this belief will not be enough. He will most likely discover that by changing a certain belief, he will come into conflict with other beliefs that he has. In this way he will be presented with other parts of his being and realize that he is made up of a gigantic network of personal beliefs, thoughts, and feelings that create his reality now. Hopefully he will continue to change all the beliefs in line that do not match something that he wishes to experience at the moment. As he does so I am certain that he will find that his reality will be greatly changed and that indeed he will begin to attract and focus on those things that he now believes instead of the beliefs that he used to have. At the end of all this our friend will discover that he is indeed not powerless but is capable of true personal change.
All change begins from within and then moves eventually without. We live in the physical universe and it is a very dense universe. What this means is that this universe is thick and whatever it is that we wish to create takes time to build. In order to have the riches you want or the freedom you crave, you must intend them for a very long time. You will never see change instantly because instant change in this universe is incredibly hard. Intention, or thoughts of a certain order, must be maintained for a while in order to create true physical change in our world. The only way to change these thoughts and this intention on a long term basis is to change your beliefs and maintain those beliefs until you attain that which you desire. You can create just about anything that you desire in this universe, as long as you maintain your intent long enough.
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